Today's Reading
February 2023
ESSENDON
The small prop plane takes off from Melbourne's Essendon Airport. Suburban rooftops, container terminals, the industrialized mouth of the Yarra River. And then we pierce a flat layer of cloud and the view I'd hoped for, the glittering, island-studded Bass Strait, is obscured. All I can do is watch the mesmerizing blur of the propeller. A smear of concentric circles. The unlikely physics of flight.
I am headed to a shack on the farthest end of Flinders Island to do the unfinished work of grieving. I have come to realize that what I did that day in late May 2019 and what I was obliged to do in the days and months that followed has exacted an invisible price. I am going to this remote island to pay it.
In the confines of the small plane I overhear snatches of conversation from my fellow travelers:
"I've got a hundred acres, it's quite a big bit of dirt."
"No one's prolly fished that spot since we were there last year."
"You can have the views, or you can have the bars, but you gotta consider the cell tower if you're building a place."
"All the pines are gone."
"What d'ya mean, gone?"
"I mean gone, mate. Not there."
Tony died on Memorial Day, the American holiday that falls on the last Monday in May and honors the war dead.
When I get to Flinders Island, I will begin my own memorial days. I am taking something that our culture has stopped freely giving: the right to grieve. To shut out the world and its demands. To remember my love and to feel the immensity of his loss. "Grief is praise," writes MartÝn Prechtel in his book The Smell of Rain on Dust, "because it is the natural way love honors what it misses."
I haven't honored Tony enough, because I have not permitted myself the time and space for a grief deep enough to reflect our love.
This will be, finally, the time when I will not have to prepare a face for the faces that I meet. The place where I will not have to pretend that things are normal and that I am okay. Because it has been more than three years and, contrary to appearances, I am not at all okay. I have come to realize that my life since Tony's death has been one endless, exhausting performance. I have cast myself in a role: woman being normal. I've moved around in public acting out a series of convincing scenes: PTO mum, conservation commissioner, author on tour. But nothing has been normal. Here, finally, the long-running show goes on hiatus.
I have been trapped in the maytzar, the narrow place of the Hebrew scriptures. In the Psalms, the singer cries out to God from the narrow place and is answered from the "wideness" of God. Our English word "anguish" means the same thing as the Hebrew maytzar. It is from the Latin for narrowness, strait, restriction. I have not allowed myself the wild wideness of an elaborate, florid, demonstrative grief. Instead, it has been this long feeling of constriction, of holding it in and tamping it down and not letting it show.
I am not a deist. No god will answer my cries. The wideness I seek is in nature, in quiet, in time.
And I have chosen this place, this island, deliberately. Before I met Tony, my life had begun directing me here. Falling in love with him derailed that life, set me on an entirely different course. Now I might glimpse what I have been missing, walk that untraveled road, consider the person I might have become.
Alone on this island at the ends of the earth, maybe, I will finally be able to break out of the 'maytzar'. But first I will need to get back to that moment in my sunlit study when I refused to allow myself to howl.
That howl has become the beast in the basement of my heart. I need to find a way to set it free.
May 27, 2019
WEST TISBURY
"The DC police will need to talk to you. Make sure they can reach you."
But she hadn't asked for, and I hadn't given her, my cell phone, so that meant I had to stay by the landline and wait for that call. In between, I searched for my mobile—in those days I barely ever used it—and began to do what needed to be done.
...
